jjmaccrimmon: (Default)


I nearly fell over laughing when I say this last night.
jjmaccrimmon: (Default)
Back story, it's an endangered parrot that lives on the forest floor. It's also apparently dumb as a rock. This was shown on the BBC Show - "Last Chance to See"

jjmaccrimmon: (Default)
Children's Science Exam
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
jjmaccrimmon: (Insane)
Worthy of a repost from years ago...

Organization: Organization? I gotta be ORGANIZED?

FLUNKIES, LACKEYS, AND MINIONS: Qualifications and skills

Flunkies are totally incapable of independent thought or unsupervised actions. They cannot be left alone for more than a few minutes, for fear of hurting themselves or others.


Lackeys are capable of following rudimentary instructions and marginal self-supervision for up to a day or so. The better lackeys are also capable of supervising a squad of flunkies while they break rocks into gravel, but again, only for a day or so.


Minions are capable of a far greater range of authority, self-determination, and responsibility. They can act unsupervised for days, weeks, even months at a time, largely because they are generally clever enough to call you on their cellphone if they think they're in a situation that is over their heads. They can be trusted with several squadrons of flunkies and the appropriate support staff of lackeys.


Toadies are generally used for increasing your own feelings of self-worth. Their fawning adoration helps feed the ego, and occasionally they are clever enough to come up with a good idea, for which they let you take all the credit. However, toadies have been known to cause severe cases of megalomania and a desire to rule the world, so I would generally advise against their use unless this is already your aim in life.



THE EVIL HENCHMAN'S GUIDE
Read more... )
jjmaccrimmon: (Default)
This was recorded by a passenger on an LA to Chicago Southwest Airlines flight. This is just one example of taking the stale and making it hilarious.


jjmaccrimmon: (Default)
Steve Harvey writes a column for the Los Angeles Times about the quirkier points associated with the city. Each year, he compiles a short but very humorous list of weirdness published in the paper. The article is hilarious.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-only18dec18,1,104550.column?ctrack=1&cset=true

Humor - because it's needed today.
jjmaccrimmon: (Insane)
An oldie, but a goodie. Given my recently demented activities and the holiday season, I think these are appropriate.

Schizophrenia -

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder -

We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia -

I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic -

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic -

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees
and.....

Paranoid -

Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder -

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder -

You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe
I'll Tell You Why

Attention Deficit Disorder -

Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a
chocolate, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
jjmaccrimmon: (Evil Grin)
In honor of the US holiday tomorrow - Thanksgiving, I'd like to offer up a bit of creative cooking info for people roasting their holiday turkeys. This advice and image was sent to me by a friend and he assured me that it would work most excellently.

*** E-mail message Below ***

Subject: Happy Thanksgiving

NEW TURKEY RECIPE

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.

2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully.?
(see attached picture for details)

3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.

4. Watch your guests' faces...


May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!


jjmaccrimmon: (Evil Grin)
Bearing in mind my ownership of a dog now, I thought I should post appropriate doggie treats for fellow pet owners.

Here's this year's top Superbowl Halftime Show suggestion.

Oh while on the subject of dogs.

Sorry can't resist this dog of a Robot Chicken episode.

Dog vs Peacock - you be the judge.

Here's the last bit of K-9 humor
jjmaccrimmon: (Default)
Funny and stupid are only separated by a hair's breadth of happenstance.

One of the sites I vite weekly is the Navy Safety Center Photo of the week. In this case I thought I should offer this gem of insight from the service that sews their names on their pants.
Personally I like the reference to Wile E. Coyote :)

http://safetycenter.navy.mil/photo/archive/archive_251-300/photo260.htm
jjmaccrimmon: (SCA Cavalier)
Mooseball -
http://www.jibjab.com/view/178261

I was telling Angela about this song several days ago and giggling about it. When I saw the video, I had to find a post a copy of this. As for the connotations, I wouldn't trade my lady for any moose. ;-)

The Moose Song
To hear it: The Moose Song (sample)

or

The Moose Song (Wild Mountain Thyme)

From Cateria:
Notes: The original author of this... infamous... song has come forward! Tom Payton wrote verses 1 through 4 around 1977 while involved in Revolutionary War re-enacting. He was also involved in SCA, Civil War, Wicca and had friends who played rugby, so the song inevitably spread, and many, many verses have been added over the years. Way many more actually exist than we have listed here. The folk process at work, for better or worse! Tom has specified that this song is in the public domain now. He notes, too, that the "When I'm in the mood..." verse was actually intended to be the first verse. Thanks Tom!

When I was a young lad I used to like girls,
I'd play with their corsets and fondle their curls.
'Till one day, my lady I caught with some churl,
Now you'd never get treated that way by a moose.

Chorus
Moose, moose, I likes a moose,
I've never had anything quite like a moose.
I've had lots of lovers, my life has been loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.

Now when I'm in mood for a very good lay,
I go to my closet and get me some hay.
I go to my window and spread it around.
'Cause moose always come when there's hay on the ground.

Chorus...

Gorillas are all right on Saturday night,
Lions and tigers, they puts up a fight.
But it's just not the same when you slam your caboose,
As the feeling you get when you humps with a moose.

Chorus

I've done it with beasties with long flowing hair,
I'd do it with snakes if their fangs were not there.
I've done it with walrus, a monkey, and goose,
But it's just not the same when you screw with a moose.

Chorus

Now that I am old and advanced in my years,
I look back on my life and shed me no tears.
As I sit in my chair with my glass of Matheus,
Playing Hide-The-Salami with Melba the Moose.

Chorus...

Humor

Aug. 23rd, 2007 08:56 am
jjmaccrimmon: (Evil Grin)
When I saw this, I had to offer it up. McGruff the Crime dog offers his opinion of Michael Vick.

http://www.jibjab.com/view/178535
jjmaccrimmon: (Default)
I love Japanese TV.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=24708
jjmaccrimmon: (Default)
A Gentleman's Duel

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=24736
jjmaccrimmon: (Evil Grin)
OMG, snork! I nearly fell out of my seat watching this.

http://www.jibjab.com/view/174286
jjmaccrimmon: (Default)
Narf - Linsey’s following in Paris footsteps

Hopefully this ditzy young actress will learn this time.. Unlikely given her attitude and apathy, but miracles have been known to happen. After taunting the boys at the expensive alcohol rehab center by walking around in the nude, I wonder if she’ll do it in county jail as well.

Naked in Rehab
http://www.showbizspy.com/2007/07/20/lindsay-lohan-paraded-around-rehab-naked/

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunken driving and cocaine possession
http://www.dailynews.com/ci_6450690?source=most_viewed

Disney should be cancelling her contract right about...
jjmaccrimmon: (Evil Grin)
OMG, these are hilarious

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=24316
jjmaccrimmon: (Default)
What happens when a wrecking ball goes for a stroll. The picture in the article is priceless.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19689640/
jjmaccrimmon: (Happy Dance)
More proof that safely performed sexual activity (safely done using a net or air bags) has tremendous health benefits. First they said that it a great physical workout. Then they noted that semen can be good for the skin, while the pheromones in the women's skin can lower stress levels. Now researchers have discovered that sex promotes brain growth and function.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn12174-sex-pheromones-make-mice-brains-grow.html

Hummm....
jjmaccrimmon: (Default)
Japanese live action video games. Need I say more?

Human Tetris

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